Short answer: nothing, as it turns out.
Well, I suppose I shouldn’t say that. But it depends on how you do it and what your reasons are. As you may or may not have noticed, I disappeared for a month. And I am back to say I have been avoiding the world and I did it the wrong way… again.
There are probably some who feel the world distracts them from what is truly important. They become monks or nuns and take a vow of silence. Devote themselves to exploring “the internal” or go on a spiritual journey to India. But the difference between them and me is that they made a conscious decision to do so. They have a specific goal they are moving towards.
I, on the other hand, get tired, anxious, scared and, as a result, shut down. Some of you who actually know me may have been frustrated with how difficult I can be to reach at times, especially by phone. Truth is I hate my phone. With a passion. No lie.
Every time it rings I start to panic. I imagine someone is going to yell at me, tell me I owe a lot of money, I’m expelled, I fail… basically, everything I already say to myself. It doesn’t really matter what the caller id says. I don’t want to answer that phone for the life of me(sorry mom… grandma). In fact, I have two absolutely wonderful friends who are throwing me a bridal shower and the reason they didn’t get the invitations out sooner is entirely my fault. The longer I took to get the addresses, the more I didn’t want to face them. I feel really bad about that.
Do you ever wish the world would slow down and let you catch up? There are so many things I want to do this year; not least of which is to have engagement photos taken of Matt and I in the fall and a small, civil ceremony in January. But at the same time I wish I could delay it all because I am terrified I am not going to be thin enough in time. I don’t want to be embarrassed by these pictures for the rest of my life. I want to look at them and be incredibly happy, not frustrated by my stupid, round face.
But what kind of life is that, if I delay everything until I am thin? Until I am happy with myself? Would I ever come out of hiding? Get married? Travel? Do any of the things I really want to do?
Probably not. And that would be so sad. Because I want more then anything to get married and I have found someone incredible, that I can trust and love whole-heartedly, to get married to. I want to graduate, get a job I love, write wonderful things and be happy. I want to be seen and loved by others. The things I want most are a part of this world and to have them, I have to be a part of this world as well.
It’s terrifying.
Bit by bit I will move forward. I have to. I want to. I will go to my bridal shower, regardless of my size, and I will see my friends. I will do whatever I have to in order to graduate. And hopefully I’ll be too happy at my wedding to care about cameras.
I’ve started by writing a blog post. Now I just have to answer that damn phone.