What there is to be gained by avoiding the world

Short answer: nothing, as it turns out.

Well, I suppose I shouldn’t say that.  But it depends on how you do it and what your reasons are.  As you may or may not have noticed, I disappeared for a month.  And I am back to say I have been avoiding the world and I did it the wrong way… again.

There are probably some who feel the world distracts them from what is truly important.  They become monks or nuns and take a vow of silence.  Devote themselves to exploring “the internal” or go on a spiritual journey to India.  But the difference between them and me is that they made a conscious decision to do so.  They have a specific goal they are moving towards.

I, on the other hand, get tired, anxious, scared and, as a result, shut down.  Some of you who actually know me may have been frustrated with how difficult I can be to reach at times, especially by phone.  Truth is I hate my phone.  With a passion.  No lie.

Every time it rings I start to panic.  I imagine someone is going to yell at me, tell me I owe a lot of money, I’m expelled, I fail… basically, everything I already say to myself.  It doesn’t really matter what the caller id says.  I don’t want to answer that phone for the life of me(sorry mom… grandma).  In fact, I have two absolutely wonderful friends who are throwing me a bridal shower and the reason they didn’t get the invitations out sooner is entirely my fault.  The longer I took to get the addresses, the more I didn’t want to face them.  I feel really bad about that.

Do you ever wish the world would slow down and let you catch up?  There are so many  things I want to do this year; not least of which is to have engagement photos taken of Matt and I in the fall and a small, civil ceremony in January.  But at the same time I wish I could delay it all because I am terrified I am not going to be thin enough in time.  I don’t want to be embarrassed by these pictures for the rest of my life.  I want to look at them and be incredibly happy, not frustrated by my stupid, round face.

But what kind of life is that, if I delay everything until I am thin?  Until I am happy with myself?  Would I ever come out of hiding?  Get married?  Travel?  Do any of the things I really want to do?

Probably not.  And that would be so sad.  Because I want more then anything to get married and I have found someone incredible, that I can trust and  love whole-heartedly, to get married to.  I want to graduate, get a job I love, write wonderful things and be happy.  I want to be seen and loved by others.  The things I want most are a part of this world and to have them, I have to be a part of this world as well.

It’s terrifying.

Bit by bit I will move forward.  I have to.  I want to.  I will go to my bridal shower, regardless of my size, and I will see my friends.  I will do whatever I have to in order to graduate.  And hopefully I’ll be too happy at my wedding to care about cameras.

I’ve started by writing a blog post.  Now I just have to answer that damn phone.

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