I am so not there yet

I’ve been living in a pretty safe, diet-free environment lately.  I don’t live with my mother anymore or hang out with girls very often so I don’t hear women talking bad about themselves or about the latest diet advice.  We don’t have any full length mirrors in the house, just the one in the bathroom at shoulder level.  And I am mainly with my husband who seems to love me regardless of what I look like and who hates it if I even hint at the word “diet.”  Not to keep me from doing what I want necessarily, but because he knows I can take dieting to a “dark place” and he knows I am trying to move forward without constantly monitoring my eating habits.  Puna, my grandmother, signed me up for a subscription to First for Women magazine which seems to be filled primarily with advertisements and articles centered around weight-loss.  It was a wedding gift and very sweet but Matt makes a point of tossing them out before I even see them because they can be triggering to me.  Sometimes I find them and I get a little sad when he takes them away (But but… look at how many pounds I can lose by juicing!) however, in the end, I know he’s right and I really do appreciate his support more than I can say.

Where was I going with this? Oh yes. The point is my environment allows me to feel very comfortable. I mean, I still am making small changes. For the last month I’ve averaged 7,000 steps per day, I am starting week 5 of my 5K training which I have been diligent about and I’ve been eating a salad everyday fairly consistently recently. I haven’t used my home life as an excuse not to improve my health. But I have finally allowed myself to change slowly instead of tackling everything at once. And lately I’ve been feeling that while I’m moving in a good direction, I might actually be ok as I am. Maybe my self-esteem isn’t so bad after all and I really am close to self acceptance already…

Nope. And I’ll tell you how I found out.

On Saturday Matt and I met my Aunt Tanya and other family for lunch at the Mall of America. I know I’ve mentioned my aunt in a previous post but just to reiterate, she is someone I have looked up to my entire life. She’s beautiful and thin and kind. Her make up is always done (but never ever heavy), she always does something with her hair and her accessories always match her outfit. Basically, what I have always wanted to be.

Now, I got her text late on Saturday because I was out for a run and so we only had 30 minutes to get ready. My main priority at this point was cooling down and looking somewhat presentable. Make up wasn’t an option, and I wasn’t going to drop 60 lbs and receive a new wardrobe in that time anyway, so I went as I am determined to just enjoy time with family.

And it was fine! Until we went into a designer clothing store… with floor to ceiling mirrors. And within an instant I knew, I just knew, if I saw myself in those mirrors I was going to cry. My rational brain couldn’t quite understand it. What was there to cry about? But I knew if I saw my reflection in those mirrors, surrounded by these clothes with Aunt Tanya right there, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I sat down on a bench facing a wall and admired shoes while she finished. I already knew the differences between Tanya and me, but I couldn’t face them reflected back at me so blatantly.

This is not OK!

This isn’t anywhere close to where I want to be! I’m glad I feel safe at home but the downside is I may be too sheltered. It’s easy to think these feelings of shame and self-loathing are gone when I never have to face them. But they are still there when I walk out the door, and they may even be getting stronger as a result of this willful ignorance. And as much as he may want to, Matt can’t protect me from them.

I don’t want this. I don’t want to hide in my house and avoid buying new clothes because I am ashamed. Next time I think these feelings are gone I want them to truly be gone! I want to shop with Aunt Tanya while being comfortable in my own skin regardless of my size at the time. I want the freedom to go where I want and do what I want without being held back by my own mind. But this, right now, is definitely not OK! I am not the Ugly Duckling anymore!

At least I don’t want to think I am anymore.   I guess it hurt to suddenly see how far I had to go.  I’m just… so not there yet.

My Aunt Tanya and I at my wedding

My Aunt Tanya and I at my wedding


4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. arielkirst
    Apr 24, 2013 @ 22:14:13

    You wanna know who I think looks better in that picture?
    I know it’s really hard when we live in a society where we get flooded with the idea that thinness is the only way to go. It’s important to be healthy, to eat right, to exercise, to take care of your body. But that has nothing to do with how we look, or what we weigh.

    I’m proud of Matt for throwing those magazines out. It was a sweet gesture, her buying it for you, but you don’t need that in your life right now.

    Remember darling: You. Are. BEAUTIFUL. You see that picture up there? look at that. Look at how gorgeous you are! Could a skinny woman look as good in that dress? Nope. You’ve got curves, and they’re gorgeous!

    Let me know when you are free to go walking next! I’d love to join you! I need to get back in my zombie walking routine.


  2. jenn200033
    Apr 24, 2013 @ 22:45:23

    I’ve always looked up to Tanya too growing up and still do. As I was reading this I knew exactly what you are and what you are feeling. She is a wonderful Aunt love her to death!!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: