Backwards and forwards

I have a lot of homework to do.  And I mean a lot.  And as I have often done in the past I am sitting on a couch wondering what to do next.  And the result?  In the last hour or so I have once again downloaded a weight tracker onto my iPod and I have read about the ideal waist measurements for men and women.  My waist is 7.5 inches too large.  My love’s is 17 – 21 inches over the ideal.  We both have a greater chance of developing diabetes, heart issues and other scary stuff.

And I am still unsure what to do.

I wonder why, when I am avoiding homework and other such responsibilities, I often end up researching diets, workouts, beauty treatments and other such “miracles.”  I guess when I am anxious over school I am most susceptible to my desire for perfection.  Every health-oriented article, website or book holds so much promise.  So much possibility.  I could be the thin girl who has it all together rather than what I am now… whatever that may be.

In January I requested an early birthday present from my mother.  $200 to hire a professional organizer for 3 hours to help me figure out how to put a house together.  I simply had no idea what to do or where to get started and professional direction seemed like a fantastic solution, which it was.  I learned a lot and I am much happier in my current environment.  And the biggest thing she taught me was that you have to stage all of your stuff before you can find a place for it.  You have to take inventory before you can actually find places for it all and as a result, things would get worse before it got better.  So that’s what I did.  The dining room was covered in boxes and piles, all with their specific categories.

I had always thought that I had to know where things went before I unpacked and/ or organized them but that was completely backwards from what actually worked.  Perhaps I am doing the same thing in other situations.  I have been tired for a very long time and I always assumed that if I had the perfect diet plan, the perfect workout and the perfect supplements I wouldn’t be tired anymore.  Then I could get my homework done and I would be thin and I would get everything I had ever wanted.

Just one problem.  When you are exhausted, cooking and exercising is even harder than usual.  And when you are exhausted and stressed and you have been putting off a paper because you have been putting together diet plans… well, ice cream suddenly becomes the best tasting thing I have ever had in my life.

I wonder how many empty pints of Ben and Jerry’s I have hidden from roommates over the years.

Perhaps it was trying to do everything at once that was one of the reasons I was so tired.

So I have decided on my step two of… whatever it is I am doing here.  I am still going to try to change but I am going to a.) take it slow b.) get my homework done first and c.) do it all with love.  Everything I do I want to have saturated with absolute and unconditional love.  I want to take care of myself because I love myself, not because I hate who I am.  So I am going to take African Mango extract everyday (I’ll explain why in another post), I’ll take my omega 3s and walk more.  And I am going to get my lab report done.

I think that’s plenty for today.




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